I wrote this sometime after midnight on the 29 of december, desperately trying to find out what the year that was about to pass had been all about.
This year is almost over. It is time to, yet again, dress up, drink bubbly and make whishes for the next year. The slightly unsettling part is that i feel like most of my dreams, hopes and wishes for 2015 are the same as those i had for 2014, and what does that say about the year that is just about to pass? What have i really done with these soon-to-be 365 days?
I began last year hopeful, as always, that this would be the year that would bring changes. At the same time i was quite happy with my selves, because things where actually different to what they had been a year earlier. I had managed to turn things around, i had managed to dig my self out of the black hole – still today, this is what i consider my biggest achievement in life. The fact that i know the other option could have ended, would most likely have ended, in such a devastating way, made me proud of what i had done, who i had become. But that was last year, this year is 2014. What did i do whit this year?
It is times like these i realize i should write way more, because most things are blurry. I can’t remember what i thought or felt almost a year ago. I can’t remember what state i was in. I think i was happy, or something close to that. I think i was satisfied in a way, but still working to make out where i wanted to be. Still working to get to know my ground.
Spring and summer came, and my life mostly evolved around school, like it does most of the time. And like most of the time, i question if this is right, if it really matters that much, how much of my life would be different if i did not care? But that’s a whole other topic. Besides school there where BBQs and friends and swimming in the ocean. Yet again i was reminded why summer is my al-time favorite season.
Then i went on my four week long interrail trip. I felt freer than i have ever done before, and i got to know myself even better – both the good and the bad parts. I realized that i had kept some people too close for too long, and i reprioritized . Maybe a tad too much, seen from today’s perspective. Non the less, life changed again mostly because i changed.
And then fall came and school hit like it had never done before and everything got windy but i managed to stay. December went by way too fast, too rushed, too hushed.
For the first time in a long time it feels like people are pulling back. And for the first time, maybe ever, i realize why. Kind of. I realize that i am demanding and challenging and that not all of my darker sides can be blamed on others. I realize that my train-trip maybe got a little tuned by myself too, to a larger degree than i was willing to admit before. And i realize that i might, to some degree push people away because I’m not good with the same people all the time, for a long time. So i push them away before they get the opportunity to push me away. And, more than anything, i realize that i don’t know. There is so insanely much that i don’t know. And that, that realization, hurts and scares me more than anything else ever have i think.